Hands sweaty, heart pounding, stomach tied up in knots. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and drove over to Shoppers Drug Mart. The roads were empty, no one was up at 5:00AM. I quietly walked up to the counter with a two pack, I needed double the confirmation. I took both tests thinking that they might tell me that the one I had taken the night before had been an error, after all, the instructions say to use the first morning stream....I had used the last evening stream... But there was no mistake...we were having a baby!
I waited until 8:00AM, literally watching the clock turn from 7:59 to 8:00. I had the number dialled, I pushed CALL, no one answered the first time, I guess being open from 8:00-4:00 actually meant 8:10-4:00. I called back ten minutes later, I told the receptionist that I needed a midwife. For some reason I was shocked when she didn't schedule me an appointment right then and there, she told me that the midwives are swamped and I'd be lucky if I was chosen as a patient, but to wait and see, perhaps I would be one of the lucky ones.
I went to work. Ben and I texted back and forth about our secret, discussing who we wanted to let in and who we wanted to wait to tell. That night we told my parents, they both cried, this was the first grandchild for them and they couldn't have been happier. We told Ben's mom the next day, she screamed, we were at a restaurant. We told our siblings and decided to keep everyone else in the dark. We wanted to keep our secret for a little while. We waited for February to tell our friends.
Christmas came and went, we celebrated New Years, moved out of our apartment, settled into our new home and then one day early January I got a call from the midwives, we had been accepted! I finally was able to get excited about planning a home birth. I started researching, reread all my birth books, watched birth videos, I filled my mind with anything birth related. I tried to keep any thoughts of fear at bay.
Pregnancy flew by. I didn't want it to end. I will always remember how it felt the first time I felt Elliotte wiggle inside me. I was massaging a client's neck and all of a sudden right below my belly button I felt a twinge. I was 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Week by week my body changed. Elliotte grew and developed, the twinges became kicks, the kicks became strong and were visible from the outside, one change blended into the next as our baby grew. I began my maternity leave at 37 weeks pregnant and the three weeks that I spent at home waiting for Ellie will always be a precious memory for me, we walked, we napped, we installed the car seat, went to birth classes, picked up last minute supplies for the birth, debated name choices and walked some more.
My due date came and went like any other Sunday. Monday passed and Elliotte didn't move, I kept waiting and waiting to feel her beautiful movements and it never happened. 11:00PM rolled around and I was worried. We called our midwife, she said to go to the hospital. We got to emergency, I was ushered to the front of the line, I guess they all thought I was in labour. We got up into assessments where our midwife met us. She hooked me up to the monitors and we heard the most beautiful sound in the world, the strong galloping of Elliotte's heartbeat. The midwife sent us home saying that she thought we needed to get some rest since I was in early labour.
We went to bed and I woke up the next morning feeling better than ever and I was frustrated... why was I not in labour? I was crampy and didn't feel great but not like I thought labour would be. We went to bed Tuesday night annoyed, and then it happened...
...I woke up early Wednesday morning and knew that it was the day. Everything tightened, everything ached, and I was so excited. Now, 3 months later, the memories are hazy. I want to remember every minute, I want to remember every sensation, every thought, but I don't. I remember bits and pieces, I remember watching a comedian and wanting him to just shut up. I remember seeing Ben set up the birth pool and feeling so proud of him. I remember Sharon, our doula, praying for me in her sweet, calm, motherly voice. I remember hating the birth ball and loving the tub. I remember being forced to drink booster juice in between contractions. I remember feeling so proud of my body. I remember seeing one of the midwives sleeping on the couch and feeling bad for all the noise but not being able to control it. I remember the shocking feeling of my water breaking and the intense change in contractions after. I remember the determination I felt when told I had to get out of the pool. I remember pushing whether I felt a contraction or not. I remember the sense of panic when the midwife said to call the ambulance, the pure adrenaline that took over to get Ellie out in that moment, and the relief that flooded me when the midwife calmly said, "never mind, baby is coming". I will never forget the moment that I cried out, "Oh my God, he's here! Thank you God!" I will never forget the love that washed over my little family those first few moments, when no one around us mattered, when the midwives silently checked over my beautiful baby and confirmed that she was perfect, and in fact a girl. I remember being fed apples and crackers and not wanting to eat but realizing how delicious food actually was. I will always remember crawling into bed with my husband and baby, everyone snuggled in, having totally forgotten to call and tell anyone about the life-changing day we had just had, pure bliss.
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We spent the first week pretty much snuggled up on the couch while friends and family came and went. When Elliotte was 3 days old we walked over to my parents so that she could meet Rose. When she was 5 days old we went to Costco. When she was 8 days we went to Emma lake. The first six weeks was a love filled blur.
As time has gone on we have gotten to know our little beauty. Elliotte is almost 4 months old, she has a personality, she is an active, determined, smiley, demanding, fast eating, explosive pooping, beautiful little girl.
In the past year I have gone from shock to fear to doubt to nervous excitement to genuine excitement to intense pain to being overcome by the fiercest of loves and that's where I'm stuck...I hope that never changes.
